Written by: Dr. Sunita Osborn

One of the most common arguments my husband and I have revolves around morning childcare. I’m our resident morning person, making me the default parent for morning routines—something I love and resent in equal parts.

My husband initially struggled to understand how both could be true, especially when he could see how much I enjoyed mornings with my daughter.

The truth is that I love mornings with my daughter and I miss the mornings I used to have alone. I savor the unhurried weekend mornings when it’s just the two of us and we can discuss the merits of where the toilet should go in the dinosaur dollhouse. I also yearn for my previous weekend dilemmas, like deciding whether to take my coffee out on a walk, drink coffee at home while reading a book, or go to a coffee shop to get some writing done.

“You can feel two things at once” is a refrain I commonly share with clients that I also have to use myself. I can enjoy the moments I have with my daughter while also missing the time I used to have to myself. Holding the tension of dualities is a fundamental part of life—and motherhood.

Here are some other common dualities you may experience in motherhood:

  • I want you to do this without me and I want to feel needed. 

  • I’m grateful for the family I have and there are moments when I wonder about the “what could have beens.”

  • I want to be fully present and I need to think about all the things on my growing to-do list. 

  • I want to be with my friends and I wish I was at home with my child. 

I see a lot of parents who decide that one part of the duality is “better” than the other—usually the one that puts children before their own needs. I may believe that being a “good mother,” means always loving spending time with my child and that there’s something wrong with me if I crave alone time. Or that I should appreciate feeling needed instead of hoping for some separation from my child.

Rather than working to figure out what the “right” answer is, let’s allow both ends of the spectrum to coexist equally, and maybe even make space for the underlying truth.

As a new parent, I have opportunities to spend time with my children, and I choose to do so because of signals I receive from friends, social media, and my own beliefs about motherhood. At the same time, little encouragement is given to the idea that new parents may also want and need separation from their children. That doesn’t make my desire to be alone any less valid. In fact, it probably warrants some more intentional focus!


How to hold multiple truths in the dualities of motherhood

Remember your why

Take a moment to explore the “why” beneath each of your truths. Why is it important for you to spend time with your friends without your children? Perhaps this time enables you to be a more regulated and present mother, partner, and friend, and also because you genuinely enjoy your friendships and want to prioritize them. What if instead of framing it as “I want to be away from my child” (which may not feel true!), you consider “I’m taking time away from my child because I want to enjoy friendships that matter to me.” 

Practice holding tension like a difficult physical pose

Just as our bodies develop muscle memory through repeated physical action, we can create mental muscle memory when it comes to the dualities of motherhood. Imagine the strain of holding a squat for one minute. The first time you do it, you may start to shake and pause to give your legs a break. Eventually, your body will adjust to this strain and you’ll be able to hold a squat more easily. 

Holding the challenging dual truths of motherhood is going to be hard. You’ll get the muscle shakes and may even want to escape your mind so you don’t have to think about it anymore.  But the more you practice holding this tension, the more your resilience will grow. While it may never be “easy” to hold these dual truths (holding a sumo squat will never feel like a nap), it does become more doable, familiar, and integrated with time. 

Notice other dualities in your life and how you’ve learned to hold them

Even if you don’t recognize it, you hold dualities in your life every day. You may have the desire to be present and also want to be checking your phone. You may enjoy your job and still fantasize about quitting. You may crave change in your life and resist it when it shows up. How have you held the tension with these frequent, if not daily, dualities? Use what has worked for you in the past as you consider how to hold the dualities of motherhood. 

Connect with other new parents

We can do all the complex psychological work, reframing, and meditating in the world, but sometimes what we really just need to hear is someone else validating your experience with a “Same, I also struggle with that.” It’s instantly validating. The company of other parents can do wonders in breaking down the shame and pain we may experience in holding our dualities.


A reminder for new parents

Allow me to be one of those parents who says, “I also struggle with that.” I love my role and life as a mother more than I ever thought possible and I still have moments of yearning and grief when I remember what my life used to look like. 

You are not alone in this. While it may feel uncomfortable, we are capable of holding more than one emotion and experience at a time. There’s nothing wrong with you for feeling joy and resentment, awe and exhaustion, grief and gratitude. And those dualities don’t define you as a parent.

These don’t cancel each other out—they coexist. And with practice and support, holding them gets easier. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re just doing something hard, and that’s what makes it meaningful. 


Note: The information provided on this website is for educational purposes only and does not substitute professional medical advice. 

If you need immediate support, consider reaching out to a crisis counselor by texting HOME to 741-741 at any time. For perinatal support, if you're not in crisis but feeling overwhelmed, you can contact the Postpartum Support International (PSI) helpline at 800.944.4773 for assistance.