Saying “No” and Setting Boundaries Around Holiday Celebrations as a Parent
Written by Harbor Council Member: Dr. Sunita Osborn, PsyD, MA, PMH-C
It’s the most wonderful time of the year, full of social engagements, holiday fun, and… disrupted sleep schedules, even less time to yourself, and high expectations all around. While there may be a lot to look forward to this season, there are probably some experiences you’ll have to say no to because of your or your family’s needs.
Saying no can be hard. And even when you do say no, it can feel like those around you aren’t hearing it. How do you make it so that your “no” is heard and respected? How can you say “no” from a proactive, rather than reactive, place? How do you say “no” without hurting the relationship?
Read on for strategies to make saying “no” work for you this season (and beyond).
Make it short and concrete
As Brene Brown has stated, clear is kind. Be specific, direct, and concrete when saying no. It’s not uncommon to want to soften your “no” by being non-committal or giving an open-ended answer: “Maybe I can make it — I’ll let you know on the day of.” But all this does is prolong discomfort and uncertainty. If and when you’ve made your decision, let the host know. It can be as simple as, “Thanks for thinking of us. I wish I could make it, but we already have plans we’ve committed to that day. I hope y’all have the best time!”
Consider sharing the reason why
If this is a relationship you care to deepen and feel safe in, it can be helpful to share why you are saying no. Your “no” could be related to family logistics or ever-present sickness during the holidays. Or if your “no” is a means of proactively protecting your or your family’s energy and well-being, this could be an opportunity to share the why.
By saying no to an event, you could be saying yes to yourself — yes to more rest and restoration. Consider sharing this with others by saying, “I’d love to go to your cookie swap, but I’m finding that one social event per weekend feels right for my family right now. I find myself feeling depleted by the end of the weekend and I want to try something different.” This kind of sharing and vulnerability may invite and encourage those closest to you to feel more comfortable saying “no,” too!
Be prepared to repeat yourself
When introducing a new boundary, such as saying no to an event, sometimes once is enough. More often than not, though, you may be repeatedly asked, “Are you sure y’all can’t come? I’ll help with the baby!”
This may (understandably) bring up some frustration. Saying “no” is hard enough; having to repeat yourself or feeling unheard makes it harder. Keep in mind that boundary-related conversations rarely happen just once. When we go against the norms of a group, the group will attempt to maintain homeostasis by rejecting the change.
When you reaffirm your boundary, keep it as short and concrete as the first time you shared it. Introducing new reasons can prolong the conversation and create more work for you. (And we all know you’re already doing enough!)
Offer alternatives, if you’re genuinely interested
If you would genuinely like to spend time with this person or group of people, consider offering alternative plans that work for your schedule: “I wish I could make karaoke, but it doesn’t work with the kids’ nighttime routine. What if we plan a mid-day walk on Friday?”
Especially during the holidays, it can be hard to offer celebratory and thematic alternatives. You may not be able to replicate a holiday card-making party by suggesting a time to grab coffee. When suggesting alternatives, consider your goal. Are you looking for connection, play, or tradition? Advocate for your needs by proposing an alternative that satisfies what you’re craving!
You can also consider asking if the group would move the event to better suit your schedule. This can admittedly be hard, but you’d be surprised by other peoples’ flexibility—especially if there are other parents in the group. This could sound like, “You know I love the holiday card-making party, but 6 PM is tough because that leaves Michael doing the nighttime routine with all three kids. Any chance we start at 3 PM?”
Allow yourself to have mixed feelings about saying no
Even if you decline an invitation because it doesn’t work for your family’s schedule or because your social battery will be depleted, you may still feel disappointed, jealous, or even angry! This is apt to be amplified once you see pictures posted to social media in the aftermath.
Keep in mind that holidays look different with children. In many ways, having children gives the holidays a renewed sense of joy, magic, and wonder. But it also means that the holidays look very different for you as an adult with different needs and scheduling demands.
Two things can be true at once. You may know that saying “no” to that third holiday gathering was the right decision, and you may wish that you had the energy to be there because it’s always so much fun. Allow yourself to acknowledge and feel your disappointment, and maybe even some grief, and know that you’re doing your best to care for yourself and your family.
Prepare for your “no” to possibly not be received well
You can say “no” in the most graceful, intentional way and still be met with resistance. I often remind my clients that just as you are allowed to say “no,” others are allowed to react to that boundary. They may be disappointed with your “no” and possibly with you.
While receiving a positive response can feel reinforcing, know that the goal is not to have others reach a place of complete understanding and acceptance. Rather, saying “no” to some things allows you to say “yes” to the experiences and people that fill you up the most this season and all year round.
