Written by Harbor Council Member: Dr. Sunita Osborn

How Teamwork Can Make Infant Sleep Easier

One of my favorite memories during parental leave was mornings with my husband, when our newborn baby was still asleep or, more likely, finally fell asleep after being awake for hours, and we would debrief the night before. 

Did you bounce on the ball and sing? When you sang, did you sing and then move to shushing? Were you bouncing to the rhythm of the song you were singing? She notices that... These are actual questions my husband and I would ask as we tried to dissect and identify any pattern of behaviors that led to better sleep for our daughter, and consequently, better sleep for ourselves.

We did this because we were trying, often in vain, to find a formula or pattern that would allow us to get the outcome we desperately hoped for: a sleeping baby. While the inherently unpredictable and ever-evolving nature of our daughter’s sleep made some of these sessions moot, I vividly recall feeling deeply connected and bonded as a team. It wasn’t us against each other and it wasn’t us against our daughter, though sometimes it felt like that. Instead, it was us against our shared experience of sleep deprivation and we were in it together. 

We certainly didn’t start with these connecting conversations. At first, we were too tired to even think about having a conversation outside of “What should we eat today?” However, after nights of feeling not only exhausted but also disconnected and resentful as we believed each of us was doing more and was even more sleep-deprived than the other (a contest where no one wins), we knew something needed to change. 

Why is connecting over sleep hard?

While the structure of your family or support system may impact how directly involved each partner is with your child’s sleep, you’ll likely run into some conflict as you navigate how to support your child’s sleep needs in a way that aligns with your values and allows you both to get some much-needed rest.

We know the sleepless nights, particularly within the first year, can be challenging, but what makes this so hard to navigate in relationships? One issue, and maybe the most obvious, is that we typically have these conversations when we are sleep-deprived and may be flooded with a sense of urgency to find a solution—any solution!—right now.

Research shows that sleep deprivation can cause greater inflammatory responses, decreased empathetic accuracy, and reduced ability to take on another’s perspective (Lam et al., 2024), all of which can lead to increased conflict and decreased connection.

Additionally, many parents struggle to decide on the approaches or methods (if any) to apply when supporting the sleep needs of their child because the stakes feel so high. Will they be safe if we do this? Will they be emotionally scarred? Will I be emotionally scarred? Adding a second person, with their own values and concerns, to this already dizzying confusion can amplify the struggle.

How to work as a team through struggle

There’s no denying that finding ways to work as a team while supporting your child’s sleep can be difficult. Knowing how hard these conversations can be, let’s explore ways to make them a little more manageable. As a bonus, these tips extend beyond sleep and can be applied to other challenging decision-making conversations.

Have the conversation when you are well-rested

Many couples have the “We need to do something about our baby’s sleep” conversation when they are at peak exhaustion. This isn’t surprising, as the issue is top of mind as we desperately seek a solution to how exhausted and overwhelmed we are feeling. But exhaustion, overwhelm, and desperation can exacerbate an already challenging discussion.

Attempting to have the conversation when both (or at least one) of you have had some rest can create more optimal conditions for a productive conversation. If the urge to have the conversation comes up while you are both significantly sleep-deprived, consider saying, “I know we are too tired to talk about this now, but let’s make a plan to revisit the sleep issue after we’ve gotten some rest.”

Look for the emotional before jumping to the logical

When you do have a conversation with your partner about navigating sleep for your child as a team, consider the emotional concerns or fears that could be underlying their stance. For example, it is common to have one partner take the stance of, “We need to make a plan and a system right now and stick to it.” There is nothing inherently wrong with this, and it could be helpful to ask, “What are you afraid might happen if we didn’t do this?” This question can help you understand some of your partner’s concerns and help them to feel understood. 

With the transition into parenthood, a couple’s emotional needs can be put on the back burner. Taking a moment to check in on each other’s emotional well-being, fears, and concerns can go a long way in increasing connection and openness to each other’s points of view.

The art of compromise

John and Julie Gottman, well-known couples researchers, developed the “Compromise Bagel” to help couples find an agreeable compromise that takes both partners’ values and needs into consideration. 

In this exercise, each partner identifies their inflexible needs (“I need us to have a nap schedule”) and their flexible needs (“I’m open to adapting this for holidays and vacations”). Ideally, there should be very few inflexible needs, as these are understood to be essential to a person’s well-being and happiness. The couple then works together to use the flexible needs to guide and develop a plan that honors the core, inflexible needs. As baby grows into a toddler and beyond, these compromises may need to evolve.

Even if you don’t have time to fill out the compromise bagel completely, you could practice sharing your needs using it as a framework: “I have a core need that I want to continue nursing to sleep; however, I am flexible about the early morning feed so you can wake up with her.” Introducing flexibility and cooperation into conversations with your partner can be a game-changer for connection and teamwork.

Develop a game plan and then debrief

Anytime a couple is entering a potentially challenging or unpredictable situation, such as a holiday dinner, a social gathering, and, of course, navigating your child’s sleep, I recommend taking the time to create a game plan before and then debriefing afterward. Creating a game plan could look like asking, “What’s our plan for tonight’s sleep?” or “How do we want to handle sleep when we are at your mom’s house?” 

A common refrain in couples therapy is that unsaid expectations can be a recipe for resentment. The goal of creating a game plan is to get ahead of these unspoken assumptions and lead with clarity. 

On the tail end, it can be incredibly helpful to debrief with questions like, “How did last night go for you? Was it what you expected and is there anything I can do to better support you?” Each of these questions can strengthen your collaboration skills and lead to feelings of greater connection and care.

Remember, you have navigated hard things together before

There is so much newness when it comes to your first years of parenting. You’ve likely never had to discuss if you are okay with co-sleeping, sleep sacks, or how to manage a newborn and a toddler’s sleep schedule at the same time!

While the content may be vastly different, it’s important to remember you have very likely had to make important decisions together before, like where to live, how to divide up family holidays, and how to manage your household. Use these previous experiences in decision-making to inform how you work together.

For example, be aware of your default approach to problem-solving and how you each respond in moments of stress or sleep deprivation. It’s not uncommon for one partner to take on the role of “accelerator,” immediately jumping to solutions, while the other partner may take the “brakes” role, wanting no decisions to be made and hoping that things resolve themselves naturally. These contrasting impulses can lead to friction, but if we are aware of them from the get-go, we can use them to leverage our strengths and work together as a team.

Recapping teamwork

Interrupted sleep and unpredictable nights (and days, for that matter) are par for the course when raising young children. Parents are expected to have some degree of sleep deprivation and conflict or disconnection during the early years of parenting. At the same time, there are steps you can take to manage caring for the sleep needs of your entire family while also nurturing your relationship at a time when it may need it the most. 

You have done hard things. You can do this, too. We are right there with you in the trenches.

 


Note: The information provided on the site is for educational purposes only and does not substitute for professional medical advice.

If you need immediate support, please consider reaching out to a crisis counselor by texting HOME to 741741 at any time. For perinatal support, if you're not in crisis but feeling overwhelmed, you can contact the PSI helpline at 800.944.4773 for assistance.


References:

Lam, Y. C., Li, C., Hsiao, J. H. W., & Lau, E. Y. Y. (2024). A sleepless night disrupts the resolution of emotional conflicts: Behavioural and neural evidence. Journal of Sleep Research, e14176.

Compromise Bagel: https://www.gottman.com/blog/reaching-compromise-second-part-state-union-meeting/